innocence – Parts Per Billion

Suffering – The North Star of Existence

People have tried to justify their existence with happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction, service, love, hope, devotion and what not. But those who have existed in full spirit, lived it to the fullest have realized the effect of sufferings on our lives and even after overcoming them are ready to endure them again in the hope that they will become better than what they were before. These are the people who might have solved the query to justify the life. Overcoming the sufferings in life and continuing the journey ahead could be the answer.

On Charles Dickens’s short story – A Child’s Dream of A Star

The Impact of Suffering in the Pursuit of Happiness

Question- what would you choose of the following?

A short life filled with happiness and satisfaction? or A long life filled with pain and suffering?

I will assume that you have selected one.

Charles Dickens’s short story – A Child’s Dream of A Star

I came across a short story “A Child’s Dream of A Star” by Charles Dickens which shows what it means to pass through the suffering of the lost loved ones.

This is a story of a boy who loses many loved ones throughout his whole life. Whenever he is losing someone, he dreams of a star where he sees the souls of his loved ones meeting and coming together. First, he loses his little sister in childhood, then his baby brother. When he grows young, he loses his mother, while being adult he loses his own daughter. Every time, when the boy loses his people, he dreams of the same star and wishes that he too could join them. But, when grown adult and losing his daughter he is somewhat soothed that his daughter is not alone, she has the angels of his sister, mother and brother to accompany her.

When he realizes the arrival of his last moment, he accepts the death for the joy that he will join the souls of his loved ones now.

The Suffering of Watching People Leave

Charles Dickens in a very impactful way shows what it means to live life. On surface analysis, one can say that this short story of a boy dreaming about the people he lost and asking for his own death in the hope to join them is about the pain of losing the loved ones and dissatisfaction of not getting enough time to spend time with them and love them. Deep down it is about how one endures pain and I think the only way to endure such pain is to pass through it. Any attempt to alleviate or even control it, leads to more pain.

Enduring the Suffering

The great thing about this story is that it delicately captures what a beauty that life we live in is and how we connect same attributes of life to the afterlife (even when we are unsure whether it truly exists, even when it exists in our minds and dreams) also how fragile our existence is.

Charles Dickens used the innocence of the child’s mind to show how we carry that innocence throughout our life to use every chance to stay closer to the people we love. The opening of the story also talks about the sorrow that is felt by everyone when someone dies.

“They used to say to one another, sometimes, supposing all the children upon the earth were to die, would the flowers and the water and the sky be sorry? They believed they would be sorry. For, said they, the buds are the children of the flowers, and the little playful streams that gambol down the hillsides are the children of the water; and the smallest bright specks playing at hide-and-seek in the sky all night must surely be the children of the stars and they would all be grieved to see their playmates, the children of men no more.”

It shows that even for children the suffering had a bigger meaning not even when they had faced any such suffering from loss in their tender age. It shows how by default we are hardwired for the sensitivity towards suffering. Maybe we are more sensitive to suffering than love.

Then we see that the boy is exposed to multiple losses and you will see over the time his dreams are evolving gradually. In early childhood loss of his sister, he is totally devastated that he could not join his sister, then he is again agitated with the thought that his younger brother has to join her in the starry heaven. Then when he is young, he is somewhat settled that his mother could join his sister and the brother.

Now when being adult and losing the beloved daughter, the same boy has made peace with her death in the thought that she has enough people to take care of her and maybe love her more. Now he has made amends with the death.

“My daughter’s head is on my sister’s bosom, and her arm is round my mother’s neck, and at her feet is the baby of old time, and I can bear the parting from her, God be praised!”

You must understand how the boy from childhood till his old-age sees the death in different ways. At first, he has intense sorrow for his sister but over the time he sees that even after death the people he loves have each other’s company.

He cannot do anything to join them in the afterlife and death is the only way to join them. Please note that there is not even single mention or any indirect indication that boy wishes to end his existence just to meet his loved ones in afterlife.

So, it’s a story of how a person builds himself towards the suffering. You will see that the boy never gets numbed because of the series of losses, he is hopeful that at least someone is there in afterlife for them to love each other. Death along with love is the only constant in this story.

We are well aware of the love from the very beginning of our existence but it takes time to appreciate that just like love, death too is eternal. It’s just that our minds find it difficult to bring together the idea of eternal nature of love and never-ending series of death in single thought. Maybe that is why not everything exists at exactly the same time and ends at exactly the same time, otherwise there would be no one to witness and appreciate what one existed in and carry that forward.

The Eternal Curiosity, Innocence and Love

I am adding the concept of eternity, endlessness in this story of involving series of deaths, ends and sadness with it, because that is how the life is. The symbolism of star used in this short story by Charles Dickens also points to that idea.

You should notice that in the opening it is about how everything that is there in existence will feel sad for loss of the children of men. The boy feels that sorrow in his childhood; later on, we realise that he holds these unfulfilled emotions, feelings of not getting enough time to spend with the people he has lost. These emotions are continuously getting reflected in his dreams. In the end, we see that he is dying happily while feeling that he can love them again in the afterlife.

But you should now notice that the dream is limited to the boy only. What is real is the star in this story; the star shining on little sister’s grave and was still shining on her brother’s grave who died at old-age.

Just like the children’s curiosity about whether the nature grieved for the losses in the beginning of the story, we can say that the star (being the child of nature) would also grieve for the people he saw dying. But that is not where the story is going. The boy had learned to handle the grief over time and that is why is mature emotionally with the death of his daughter and even his own death. This became possible because his love for his sister increased multiple folds, got intense over the time.

The maturity that comes to such sorrow is worth noticing, the boy now an old-age man is not sad because he will be leaving his children behind. He is neither happy that he will join his loved ones in the afterlife (although what he says while dying means that he is eager to join afterlife).

The star was a construct of his mind to move over the grief and be assured that no one – not even him will never be left unloved. He had a strong belief that at least love is eternal in some or other forms. The star still shining upon his grave in the last sentence of the story is thus the symbol of the child’s innocence and love.

The last words of the boy/ man are these:

“…My age is falling from me like a garment, and I move towards the star as a child. And O my Father, now I thank thee that it has so often opened to receive those dear ones who await me!”

We all can appreciate that the afterlife’s notion is only in the boy/ man’s dreams but that does not invalidate his feelings. He is grateful that he had someone to love (although he couldn’t love them to the fullest while living). The childhood innocence and curiosity he carried throughout his life helped him to endure the suffering. Curiosity because of the urge to understand what would happen to the people who die gets materialized in the dreams of the boy and thus he builds his understanding around it. This curiosity emerged because he cared for them so strongly that he was concerned about what would happen to people after they die. Innocence because from childhood till old-age he deeply believes that just like the children of nature, everyone and not only him cared for people, loved them in some or other ways.

Conclusion

Most of the existential queries on human life point to one single question of meaning or purpose or at least worth of the life. Once started, if it is destined to end then why is this everything existing? And this question is not just about life. It is about everything attached to the life itself. If everything in existence is attached to something and everything at any time will be lost forever, disconnected forever then why does everything exist in first place? Once you appreciate this question, you will see that existence is majorly a series of detachments, losses – literally and figuratively. It is just that some things detach faster than others, some things stay for longer time but are lost in the end; we are just existing in these gaps of losses and detachments. Maybe how we felt about those things especially the innocent emotions we had for everything that is there (which are neither good/ bad, pure/ impure) are eternal. If not eternal, I would say that they evolve in better ways, get refined, gain maturity and get transferred to our next generations through our legacy. Maybe they too would have an ending but what can we say about the human spirit! The spirit to exist in spite of the sufferings! The ability to exist in full spirit and endure multiple sufferings over the time while maintaining that innocent child alive inside you is what justifies our existence in the end. And even that is to end in the end, I have no complaints.

So, when I asked to select one of options at the start, if you felt that selecting only one of these is foolish (or difficult/ meaningless) then welcome to the club!

Everything at once

The anthem of innocence and ambition

Songs and long roads is the match made in heaven. This pair is like boat with a sail to reach to destinations of new experiences, discoveries and revelations. There is a reason why some very deep meaning songs from movies are shot while our protagonist(s) are traveling. I experienced such moment once while traveling by bus. The bus was obediently tracing the road lines. I had this playlist going between the ears to just to fill the void of mindlessness. The volume was on high, and the forceful background noise of the air whirling through the window wanted to become the part of song’s composition. Suddenly, I stumbled upon a song, and this song hit me in a different way. Though I had ‘heard’ the song many times, this time- I ‘listened’ to the song. It was like the song talked back to me; I understood the true meaning this song, that was a moment of revelation for me.

If you truly are a song listener (I mean who isn’t ?!), there are these moments in life where we actually, truly understand the lyrics and the real meaning behind the song- the real intention for the creation of the song. This is about a song called ‘Everything at once’ written and sung by Lenka. It is available on YouTube and was featured in Windows 8 commercials. Here goes the lyrics (generic lyrics copy/paste incoming, just for the sake of building a foundation for explanation) –

As sly as a fox, as strong as an ox
As fast as a hare, as brave as a bear
As free as a bird, as neat as a word
As quiet as a mouse, as big as a house

All I wanna be is everything once

As mean as a wolf, as sharp as a tooth
As deep as a bite, as dark as the night
As sweet as a song, as right as a wrong
As long as a road, as ugly as a toad

As pretty as a picture hanging from a fixture
Strong like a family, strong as I wanna be
Bright as day, as light as play
As hard as nails, as grand as a whale

All I wanna be is everything at once

As warm as the sun, as silly as fun
As cool as a tree, as scary as the sea
As hot as fire, cold as ice
Sweet as sugar and everything nice

As old as time, as straight as a line
As royal as a queen, as buzzed as a bee
As stealth as a tiger, smooth as a glider
Pure as a melody, pure as I wanna be

All I wanna be Is everything at once

-Written by Kripac Lenka Eden

At first, it seems like our songwriter has donned the costume of a child who just wants to become everything she fancies. She wants to be like fox, ox, hare, bear, bird, and a whole zoo simultaneously! The house and mouse seem like meant to be used as a rhyme to maintain the auditory meter of the verse. As the imagination allows, the songwriter wants to be everything. Starting from living things like mean wolf, ugly toad to the non-living and literally lifeless things like- picture hanging on the fixture, straight line, glider.

I think there is more to this song than just a simple sentence structure and rhymes. Every quality our songwriter wants to possess in the song is linked to the best example the nature, our surrounding can provide. What is anything else slyer than a fox could ever be? Sheer strength of an ox – a bull, fastness of a rabbit, the wildness, daring of a bear to face every opponent present in front with confidence- who could be a better representative than them?

In first two verse, we can see that the starting two lines reflect a negative, dark and gory expectations of the songwriter. These darker intentions suddenly follow the light-hearted and more positive aspirations she wants to follow. As in slyness, strength, swiftness, braveness, meanness, sharpness, depth of a bite, darkness- they indicate the hunger for power authority, control and maybe destructive, dominating intentions; but followed by these mentions things like – real freedom that only a bird can experience, structuredness of the word, quietness, acceptability, the ability to accommodate every necessity like a house, melody of a song- further clarify the intentions of the songwriter. It’s not just about good and bad, she wants to go beyond what is good and bad. That is the reason she feels no shame to become as ugly as Toad, become long and boring like a road.

Pretty picture hanging on fixture is a metaphor for the combination of that urge to demonstrate the unconventionality, beauty, masterpiece-ness through picture which just sits or hangs on the fixture which has no greater design intention- I mean fixture has only one purpose- it is there to hang/support the picture. This example is an important bridge between most of the routine, repeating, boring things and most of the extraordinary, unconventional, out of the box things in the life.

What an example of family to standardize the strength! The true relations are stronger than steel and mightier than gods. She doesn’t want any limitations to this strength. A day is fundamental definition of bright otherwise that would have been called night (!?) The lightness of play shows joy and spirit of playful moments in our life.

She brings mere small nail to show how hard she wants to become. Tiny yet hard, which never breaks to any impact or pressure. From this tininess she moves to the grandness of whale. I think this needs no further explanation.

Till we reach the last verse, it feels like the boundaries between positive and negative, good and bad are getting blurred. The irrelevant use of sun and fun, tree and sea, may seem some verbal adjustments done to complete the rhyme, but it indicates that, the songwriter doesn’t want to think what makes sense according to normal standards- she is just expressing whatever she desires, whatever she feels.

Warmth of the Sun shows parental, serious and caring nature she wants to have, and silliness will bring more flavor, joy a new dimension to this warmth. She wants to possess the openness, the role of provider from the tree.

The use of sea for the scary nature truly highlights the innocence and truthfulness of a child. What is a child afraid of? A child is generally afraid of darkness, harshness, roughness. What is an adult afraid of? An adult, a grown up is afraid of uncertainties, indecisiveness, tensions, indefiniteness, unpredictability. The sea stands as the great and unique example for fear of the unknown. People say that we have explored stars, galaxies in deep space but most depths of our oceans, seas are still unexplored, unknown. We as a human are not comfortable with everything that we are unfamiliar, unknown of. The songwriter or our child bears no shame in admitting that. Accepting what we fear has already created an opportunity to face them, I think that is the power of innocence, because innocence always brings a best friend with it and that best friend’s name is ‘The Truth’.

The use of ‘Oldness of time’ to me seems like a home-run. All the things dead and alive, beautiful and ugly, good and bad, young and old- all of them are witnessed by the Time. This has also given the time ‘that’ wisdom. Our songwriter wants that gift of wisdom through oldness; and here she also questions beginning of the time indirectly. She is literally questioning the fundamentals of life. That is clearer in straight-ness of line because what could be straighter than a line! (:D) Sugar is the basic definition of sweetness and niceness. She desires to experience the extremities which are called upon through ‘Fire and Ice’. It’s like axioms are getting established in this verse!

Queen’s royalty indicates the sophistication and controlled behavior to ensure higher value delivery from the people surrounding her, but ‘buzz’ness of bee shows that she wants to be just more than sophisticated- she wants to remain excited for everything too. Stealth and smoothness show the subtlety, refined nature she wants to have in life.

For the final argument, she makes a universal and all-inclusive statement that she wants to be as pure as possible. Her ambition for purity brings down all the boundaries and blends the differences/extremities and common denominator of the qualities she has expressed. She doesn’t want to separate each feeling, justify each feeling to an animal or thing- she wants to create her own point of view, her own standard. Authenticity is the one thing the songwriter desires to have from all the things she wants to become.

That is what children are. They are innocent- guileless- no tricks involved. If a child is angry, he/she will never hide that feeling (you will find it on their nose- no GPS needed!). Their laughter is contagious enough to melt a rock. Their questions are clear and fundamental. I think these things gets lost while we are growing up. We as a child had these all feelings, ambitions but with time, company of people, incidences- some of them got amplified and some got dumped down. Today we are identified by what became amplified and stayed with us. The songwriter wants to bring back that everything which makes us a human. We are a mixture of feelings, experiences and learnings.

This song is a calling for that child in you.

Or maybe this not that great song, it’s just a child blabbering out what she learned today in kindergarten. Maybe it is just my overthinking. But it still proves the point. I play this song in my mind as if some kid is singing it with that characteristic childish lisp!

An adult scientist is a kid who never grew up
Neil deGrasse Tyson